lost blog returns!

and somehow i can sign in again! :D!

Insight & Wisdom

I came to understand that the pace of my life and the direction of my activity were unfocused, uncentered in a significant way. This created a certain unrest. I came to realize that I needed to make some changes in my life, and chief among these was a renewal of personal prayer. Mention of prayer may evoke an image of ‘saying’ prayers, of reciting formulas. I mean something quite different. When we speak of the renewal of prayer in our lives, we are speaking of reconnecting ourselves with the larger mystery of life and of our common existence. This implies becoming disciplined in the use of our time, in the use of Centering Prayer, and in the development of a contemplative stance toward life. When this happens, we begin to experience healing, integration, wholeness, and peacefulness. We begin to share more clearly the echoes of the Word in our own lives, in our own hearts. And as that Word takes root in the depths of our being, it begins to grow and to transform the way we live. It affects our relationships with people around us and above all our relationship with the Lord. From this rootedness flow our energies, our ministry, our ways of loving. From this core we can proclaim the Lord Jesus and his Gospel not only with faith and conviction but also with love and compassion." 


~Cardinal Bernardin

A Small Sacrifice

Lately I've been craving a nearly complete cut-off from everyone except my family and those around me here in the USA. I think it's a good thing; when I imagine it, I feel free and peaceful. I've spent way too much time chatting with friends back home. My life is so orderless because of it, and my Spiritual life suffers as well.

And so the first plan is to wean myself off of gchat. I've grown to dislike gchat for several reasons. But there is one in particular that is effecting me.

It keeps you from the real world.

I have a friend who HATES any form of chatting. Gchat, fb, msn, etc. If you catch her on it (it's like spotting a rare and nearly extinct bird) and message her, sometimes she won't even reply (although she has read the message). I think it's hilarious! And I love it. (But get her on the phone and she'll talk the whole time!). Her first priority is evangelization, she doesn't waste time on things like fb or chat. She's too busy being a presence in other people's lives... and she does this without the support of a Catholic community on campus. I've seen the fruits of it. She's also very disciplined in doing her schoolwork because she realizes her University career is setting her up for the field in which God will use her to evangelize. How many of us actually realize that? How many of us know that but don't truly understand it?

I realize that fb and chat can be used for evangelization, and I've seen it done beautifully too!! But for me, a physical presence is more important than a cyber presence. We can't see how each other truly lives their life by surfing their fb page or from a chat (surface conversation or deep), from an article posted or a Bible verse in a status. And how we live our lives is our #1 witness, and without a Christ-centered lifestyle all is done in vain.

I want to invest myself into people's lives and not waste time on chat, staying in the "loop," being a part of inside jokes, etc. But a part of me holds on. What if I grow apart from people? What if those I hold closest to my heart fade away? It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, one that could only be driven by His grace. He's all that matters and His thirst for souls is infinitely more important. I desire to go out into the real world carrying Christ's light, gently, humbly.

Pray for me!

and I walk alone

No this isn't an ode to Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Although it might be whinier than it.

For the past while I've had this feeling/sense that I'm walking alone. Life is passing by and we are changing, being moulded constantly by the Hands of the Creator. Life with Him can only get more beautiful. Just as He was creating the Earth, He kept adding more and more until He was satisfied. He took a plain large psuedo-circular rock and added bodies of water, vegetation, animals, and mankind (roughly in that order), making our beautiful home we now live on. He creates perfection.

I started experiencing this feeling in January, after leaving my family and friends behind to come to ND. Originally I thought that was why I felt so alone. But really, it doesn't matter. If this is something we are going through, then no matter who is with us, no matter what we are doing, we will still feel alone.

To make matters "sucky-er," God has been hiding His face from me.




My initial response: "Oh poor me!!!" (It's a bummer right??)

My new response: "I LOVE THIS! PRAISE THE LORD!"

I'm joyfully embracing this period of my life for the first time! I want to bless the Lord and praise Him so much more. I want to chase after Him, capture His heart. Lord You have my heart, and I will search for Yours. I need to feel alone to realize that He is the only One who can satisfy my heart's desires. No person, no material, no activity, etc... NOTHING can satisfy. I knew this very well... but now it's time to understand it on a deeper level.

I need to feel alone in order that I may be united with Him. That I might understand Him and His desires, feel His thirst for souls, dive into the depths of His River!


Praise the Lord for that!

Baptism

In the midst of my struggle during Lent, I am reminded of a special moment I had with Jesus a bit over a year ago. During JAM Vanessa read a guided meditation that I don't remember the details of but she began with a prayer for the Holy Spirit to guide and protect our imaginations. Then we were to picture Jesus being with us. After that I ignored the meditation and let Jesus lead me...

There were two rocks facing each other at the top of a small cliff. Jesus sat on one, I on the other. He kept His loving eyes looking into mine and was smiling at me. Then after a few moments Jesus got up and stood at the edge of the cliff. I followed Him.

We looked at the deep, wide river below us and next thing you know, Jesus jumped into it! I hesitated, but not long enough for Him to resurface, and then jumped after Him. The river was so refreshing and cool - it felt so great! When I surfaced the water, I didn't see Jesus, just the welling of water from where a dove emerged and flew off into the sky.

Lent

My lent has been non-existent. Instead of dying to the world with Christ to share in His resurrection, I've been dying to Life. This is definitely not the way I imagined the final steps of the journey into the Church. It has been a huge struggle. I know that lent is supposed to be a time of suffering and struggling. But my suffering isn't because I'm fasting from something. I wake up every day with more anger and hurt in my heart. I've turned my back to Him. It's like I'm walking backwards towards Him, if that makes sense. 

Each one of us is a...

Each one of us is a seed of a different flower, a different beauty

Spreading the same fragrance of God.

Will I blossom?

Oh, the pained soul

Trapped and bound in the seed she cannot be contained in.

She goes unnoticed.

Oh, how She longs to be

Planted in Mercy, grown with Grace.

Celebration Choir Concert Tour!

Celebration Choir tour in Illinois and Wisconsin! :D BEST WEEKEND EVER! Really let go of inhibitions and it felt great! The concerts were really powerful, especially when we sang Hail, Holy Queen. It was very moving for the choir and the audience. It's really cool cause all the music we sing is mostly composed or arranged by our choir director (woman with the scarf on the far right in the picture) or previous directors.

I also go to go home with my JY friends in Chicago! Joe picked me up after the Chicago performance on Friday night and I went to a night vigil. How blessed was that? God is SO GOOD.

In Wisconsin, I got to see the protests. It was a very peaceful protest. If I was American, I would have been very proud of my country at that moment.

Communion of the Saints

One Friday afternoon during the school year I became very restless with my studies and decided to venture out to Titles, not knowing what I was going to do there. I went in and looked around and perused the religious section, like always. There was a book called “Where there is Love there is God” that was completely based on Mother Teresa’s writings to the sisters in the sisterhood she founded, Missionaries of Charity.  I skimmed through the book and liked what I saw and decided to purchase it. Daily I read from it and used it during personal prayer. Slowly, Mother Teresa started feeling like a friend, and after while it felt like she was personally guiding me to holiness. My first Spiritual Mentor! I developed a strong connection to her and would ask her to intercede for me. And she did gift me in a beautiful way…

So that was my first experience with a saint (well, hopefully soon to be canonized!!). The saints really do reach out to us; they want to help us achieve complete union with God on earth. 

Now my life fast-forwards to working at Notre Dame. Last week I went to the bookstore for the first time and walk out with a book called “Dark Night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. I had heard of it before from the Internet and decided to buy it. Turns out that I thought it was something else, however it turned out to be just what I needed right now.  It talked about the soul and the stages she needs to go through in order to have complete union with God on Earth. I devoured most of it. I finally understood what I have been going through here! Indeed I am making progress although I feel stagnant.  St. John described it all, how I was feeling, my actions, etc.; his insight was incredible. I had never read a book that spoke so loudly to me. I felt like St. John had sent me his book and that he wanted to help me grow. I began asking for his intercession.

The next day I made my way back to the bookstore and bought a book called “Interior Castle” by St. Teresa of Avila. I began reading it and to my surprise, she talks about the same subject: the soul on her path to achieving complete union with God.  Although, St. Teresa of Avila uses different metaphors and is much more wordy and eloquent, whereas St. John of the Cross is more harsh and quite blunt. I couldn’t believe the connections I was making between the two books. Immediately I had this sense that my two new friends were working together to help guide me on the path to unity with Christ.

Before then, I had no background information on either saint. I came to know that both of them where Carmelites, so it then made sense that their books jived so well together.  During the weekend tour with a choir I joined we went to a parish in Wisconsin called Holy Hill. Turns out that the parish was home to Carmelites (I didn’t make the connection to my two saints though). I went into the church and walked up to the front and was blown away… At either side of the altar were pictures of St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. At that moment I knew beyond doubts that they truly were working together in my life.  

For further confirmation, I later learnt they both were reformers of the order, and to my utter amazement, worked together in the reformation! So of course they were working together in my life.

The saints really do reach out to us!  They love us and are interceding to us and will help us in our need. They want to have friendships with us and all we have to do is let them…

Seventh week @ ND

Best week yet.
Rediscovered my passion for music. So like I said, best week yet.
Celebration choir is perhaps the most beautiful gift given to me since arriving at ND.
St. Cecilia, pray for us.

Sixth week @ ND

What a week :) All my experiments went wrong. Yikes! BUT lots of other beautiful things entered my life. Celebration choir and flute choir. I can't wait to start playing the flute again! My three favourite activities in this world: horseback riding, playing the flute and talking to Jesus. Each one makes me feel so free (esp. the latter of course! :)

It feels so good to have the things I love most being brought back into my life!

So good...!!

It's been JUST like spring here the past week... and I've been riding my bike to school! It's great! AND there were fellow Canadians in the RadLab today! SO cool. People with the same accent as me - as the receptionist told me :P

There are so many people on campus today - it's junior parent's weekend (aka the third years bring their parents for a tour of ND). It's so nice to have a large amount of people on campus, roaming around, playing sports, enjoying the weather...

I thought I'd put up a picture of myself. This wasn't planned to have the "YOU." facing towards the camera. It sort of just happened :P

I'm getting really excited about my baptism & confirmation... and esp. the eucharist.... I think about it every night before I go to sleep :) Doesn't the pew in the picture to the right just seem so inviting? :D

unfinished - Fifth week @ ND

Fifth week done and over! It was a pleasant week :)

I really can't help myself. I am in love with the Basilica and Tabernacle. It's so incredible. Please bare with me - eventually I'll stop posting pictures of it! :D

Identity Crisis

As each day goes by, I feel like I'm "losing myself" more and more. I can't remember who I was. But I will resist the urge to dwell... the past is over and the present needs much attention.

Who am I now? 

It's tempting to define ourselves with what is worldly. For example, by our clothing, social statuses, events, activities, success etc. My problem is that I defined myself with other people, mainly my friend circle. Being at ND without them has opened my eyes to that. Friends reflect and reveal the kind of person one is. But they can't reveal who one is.

As unsettling as this is for me, it is also comforting. I know this is an opportunity for Christ to live more wholly in me. But I have to be careful because it is just as much of an opportunity for the evil one to bring me down.

And the choice is, without doubt, absolutely, positively... MINE!

A perfect life is lived in terms of death and resurrection.

That's from a book called "Healing through the Sacraments" that I purchased in India (so many great purchases there!!). It's been on my mind lately. I think it's the answer to my identity crisis. 

Those alive in Christ are defined in Christ. They die with Christ, emptying all things worldly from themselves, that they may be resurrected with the fullness of Christ.

Suddenly who I am in this world doesn't matter. Let everything I used to define myself by be dissolved with Christ's love. Everything in Him makes sense. It's where I find peace.

Fourth Week @ ND - NDE

Without getting into detail, this week was very, very tough. But God really reminded me of His love through two blessings in my life whom I hold deeply in my heart. Not best friends nor sisters - something much more than that! Much, much more! To top it off, I went on a weekend retreat held by campus ministry called Notre Dame Encounter (NDE). The theme was...

"Make God known, loved and served." 
~ Blessed Basil Moreau

What I got most out of the retreat was friendship. We all had a prayer partner for the weekend and mine was awesome!! Her best friend is Indian!! I was like, "I've got one of them back home!!" ...(or two or three! haha). AND SHE'S ALSO FROM CANADA AND IS HALF MALU HALF GOAN. So I'm going to meet her soon! No matter where I go, God provides the malus! Thanks be to God :)

I was blessed with some amazing people in my small group as well. We are going to reunite soon! :)

I think I'll ponder the rest :)

Third Week @ ND

One of the many symbols in the Catholic church that I love is the fountain of holy water present when we first walk into the church. It's there to remind us of our Baptismal vows, after all, we first enter the church through baptism! The picture to the left is a view from the level of the fountain of the rest of the church. I've learnt a lot about baptism and it's importance this past week. Jesus yearned for His baptism. He didn't begin His ministry before He was baptized because in His human weakness, He needed the Holy Spirit. And so do I...

I CAN'T WAIT!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ;) :D :D :D :D :D :D :D !

And a view from the back of the Tabernacle, looking out into the pews. You know, during mass Mother Mary and all the angels and saints are present... some of us are gifted to see them, some of us have strong imaginations and can picture it...and then there are others who can see see them in the paintings on the ceiling, walls, windows... everywhere in the Basilica! It's incredible.

This week was quite special. I witnessed my Hindu friend pray in this Basilica in front of a crucifix. How beautiful is that? Our God is a great God, a God of all who hears all who cry out to Him.

Now for a musical interlude...

How great is our God?
Sing with me,
How great is our God?
And all will see
How great,
How great is our God!

Gotta love Christ Tomlin and most of all, Jesus!! :D


WORK TINGZ:

I couldn't fix the orientation of this picture on the left. So bare with me and turn your head 90 degrees left :) It's the leaning tower of Pisa! Hehe
And to the right is a home made piece of glassware creatively constructed by our own glass blowers in the RadLab. They get into it sometimes! Personally, I think all glassware should be designed like this! Then when an experiment is going wrong, we can be cheered up! :D

INTRODUCINGGGGGGG.............Hesburg library! Aka "Touch Down Jesus" - because he can be viewed from the upper parts of the football stadium haha! This mural is really something else. A treasure for sure! It is also an amazing library... tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of books (I know right, how unfitting for a library! :P hah). But seriously, Mills + Thode + HSL look puny compared to this baby!

I regret to announce that I have no picture of a squirrel for this week. However, I did see a squirrel walking behind an oblivious student for at least 3 metres (no feet for me! sorry America!)

That is all :)

Second Week @ ND

My first RCIA meeting was today. We began with a talk on the sacraments. I found it to be very clarifying and simple. I took some notes and learnt some interesting things I didn't know about the sacraments. Like for example, the sacraments have three dimensions: past, present and future. They celebrate God's saving activity through the life and ministry of Christ and are a lived reality now that point to the future glory of the kingdom of God.

After the homily, the catechumen were dismissed from mass to go prepare for entering the Church through reflecting and sharing on Scripture. We were called up to the front and the priest gave us a blessing. It was really nice! After that I turned around and the sun was beaming so intensely into the church, illuminating the entrance and the fountain of holy water. So when we walked down the aisle to leave, we walked into that light. It was really beautiful... one of those symbolic moments when you know it was from God.

There is plenty of community on campus but still I haven't nestled in yet. Who said that coming here was going to be easy? Oh that was me... haha! I was wrong :) How can I expect everything to be just given to me without a little effort on my part? I can't wait to be inspired by everyone I meet! Christian or not.

I found the Grotto this week! It really is a special place of prayer. I can't wait to see it at night - apparently it is spectacular. I will take some pictures of it at night soon! The rosary is prayed daily at 6:45pm here but I'm usually at home then. I'm not comfortable enough to stay that late at night then walk home in the dark (I have a 30 min walk!). I love being at the Grotto. I love how Catholics have so many symbols that help us in our faith. Each candle holds a prayer - or maybe many prayers. I have found the beauty and connectedness one feels to God and Our Mother using candles. I love it.

It's official. My name is up outside the door of the lab. I've developed a passion for research this past week, quite to my surprise. I praise God for that. I can't wait to see where this research goes. We are interested in studying DMSO as a radical scavenger and I found it to be an odd choice. All I knew about DMSO was that it is a mild oxidant used in SWERN oxidation for the transformation of primary and secondary alcohols to aldehydes and ketones, respectively. I researched it on the internet and it is such a curious molecule. It first became of interest when Dr. Jacob discovered in the early 60's that it can penetrate the body without harming it. It also is great in delivering drugs throughout the body.

 These American squirrels really make me laugh! They are so funny! Although I have yet to see one jump out of a garbage can onto a poor unsuspecting student :P

First Week @ ND

To begin, a warm & loving shout-out to all my friends back home (esp. JY!) for being my support system from the beginning of my journey of becoming Catholic to where God has lead me now... I praise God for each one of you. Until the beginning of this year, I have been blessed to be surrounded by an amazing group of people so genuine, so dedicated to Christ... but now it's time for me to continue my walk on my own. God is so faithful, such a protecting Father. He didn't send me away to a place where I would have had trouble adjusting to being without my support system. He has provided all the resources and opportunities I could ever imagine here at ND. I haven't felt homesick at any point and have taken great comfort knowing that Jesus is present on campus in the Tabernacle - what a blessed campus. I went to Mass last Sunday, which was celebrated in the Sacred Heart Crypt. I was aiming to go to the Mass in the Basilica but the schedule had changed because the students weren't back at school yet. Still, I got to spend some time in the Basilica.

My 7 year old sony cyber shot digital camera do not do the Basilica justice. I have never been in so much awe in a Church before. It's incredible. The Tabernacle is breath-taking... you can't see all the details of it in these pics though. And the altar is stunning as well!

Check out who is behind the Tabernacle in the picture to the right.. None other than Our Mother! See, she always leads us to the Eucharist!
:D

Look! It's St. Bernadette! There is a Grotto on campus, which is a replica of Lourdes in France (1/7 of the size). I'll post a picture of it someday. You can make an offering and light a candle there and make an intention. People are always coming and going from it... so nice to see that!

To the right is a picture of one of the ceiling paintings. I'm not sure what it means/represents but I like it a lot!

Ora? check. Labora? ....

I worked from 8:30am-5:00pm all week. I went around talking to different professors and ended up doing a research project on the effects of radiation on DNA. The quantification of the DNA after radiation will be attained primarily from gel electrophoresis. So, one day I spent my time making the gel, irradiating DNA samples and then injecting the samples into the wells in the gel. The next day I looked at the gel using a UV source and saw that my DNA ran through the gel, separating into different parts, like it should :) Yay! Then afterwards I got to play with the gel - it cleaved so nicely! And then I got creative...
It's a agarose gel inukshuk! Holla Canada!

We have a cool staff room. Americans have crazy cheap vending machines. These Oreos were 65 cents. We need one of these vending machines in Mills eh Mimi?
















   ...I'm not the only jokester at ND...check this out:

This is a famous machine, it's actually called R2D2. It's  an ion scatterer...and also a very small replica of the Golden Dome at Notre Dame. Apparently some grad students were bored and created this one night. Hahaha scientists with humour.










Now onto the flora & fauna.

Campus has so many of these berry bearing trees! Blue ones and red ones! I love them! The snow capping the berries made the trees look so cute! But I'm not the only one who was "caught up" with these trees...

Below is a squirrel that is about 3x larger than our Canadian squirrels or roughly the size of a large Chihuahua. But good news! They aren't aggressive - with humans or other squirrels!  This squirrel in the picture below was so chill... I went within two metres of it to snap this shot with my cellphone and it didn't budge. Too concerned with eating the lovely red berries! I had to laugh at it though, the branch was bent down so far under its weight that it could have snapped off.

Well, there's a small look at my first week! :D