lost blog returns!

and somehow i can sign in again! :D!

Insight & Wisdom

I came to understand that the pace of my life and the direction of my activity were unfocused, uncentered in a significant way. This created a certain unrest. I came to realize that I needed to make some changes in my life, and chief among these was a renewal of personal prayer. Mention of prayer may evoke an image of ‘saying’ prayers, of reciting formulas. I mean something quite different. When we speak of the renewal of prayer in our lives, we are speaking of reconnecting ourselves with the larger mystery of life and of our common existence. This implies becoming disciplined in the use of our time, in the use of Centering Prayer, and in the development of a contemplative stance toward life. When this happens, we begin to experience healing, integration, wholeness, and peacefulness. We begin to share more clearly the echoes of the Word in our own lives, in our own hearts. And as that Word takes root in the depths of our being, it begins to grow and to transform the way we live. It affects our relationships with people around us and above all our relationship with the Lord. From this rootedness flow our energies, our ministry, our ways of loving. From this core we can proclaim the Lord Jesus and his Gospel not only with faith and conviction but also with love and compassion." 


~Cardinal Bernardin

A Small Sacrifice

Lately I've been craving a nearly complete cut-off from everyone except my family and those around me here in the USA. I think it's a good thing; when I imagine it, I feel free and peaceful. I've spent way too much time chatting with friends back home. My life is so orderless because of it, and my Spiritual life suffers as well.

And so the first plan is to wean myself off of gchat. I've grown to dislike gchat for several reasons. But there is one in particular that is effecting me.

It keeps you from the real world.

I have a friend who HATES any form of chatting. Gchat, fb, msn, etc. If you catch her on it (it's like spotting a rare and nearly extinct bird) and message her, sometimes she won't even reply (although she has read the message). I think it's hilarious! And I love it. (But get her on the phone and she'll talk the whole time!). Her first priority is evangelization, she doesn't waste time on things like fb or chat. She's too busy being a presence in other people's lives... and she does this without the support of a Catholic community on campus. I've seen the fruits of it. She's also very disciplined in doing her schoolwork because she realizes her University career is setting her up for the field in which God will use her to evangelize. How many of us actually realize that? How many of us know that but don't truly understand it?

I realize that fb and chat can be used for evangelization, and I've seen it done beautifully too!! But for me, a physical presence is more important than a cyber presence. We can't see how each other truly lives their life by surfing their fb page or from a chat (surface conversation or deep), from an article posted or a Bible verse in a status. And how we live our lives is our #1 witness, and without a Christ-centered lifestyle all is done in vain.

I want to invest myself into people's lives and not waste time on chat, staying in the "loop," being a part of inside jokes, etc. But a part of me holds on. What if I grow apart from people? What if those I hold closest to my heart fade away? It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, one that could only be driven by His grace. He's all that matters and His thirst for souls is infinitely more important. I desire to go out into the real world carrying Christ's light, gently, humbly.

Pray for me!

and I walk alone

No this isn't an ode to Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Although it might be whinier than it.

For the past while I've had this feeling/sense that I'm walking alone. Life is passing by and we are changing, being moulded constantly by the Hands of the Creator. Life with Him can only get more beautiful. Just as He was creating the Earth, He kept adding more and more until He was satisfied. He took a plain large psuedo-circular rock and added bodies of water, vegetation, animals, and mankind (roughly in that order), making our beautiful home we now live on. He creates perfection.

I started experiencing this feeling in January, after leaving my family and friends behind to come to ND. Originally I thought that was why I felt so alone. But really, it doesn't matter. If this is something we are going through, then no matter who is with us, no matter what we are doing, we will still feel alone.

To make matters "sucky-er," God has been hiding His face from me.




My initial response: "Oh poor me!!!" (It's a bummer right??)

My new response: "I LOVE THIS! PRAISE THE LORD!"

I'm joyfully embracing this period of my life for the first time! I want to bless the Lord and praise Him so much more. I want to chase after Him, capture His heart. Lord You have my heart, and I will search for Yours. I need to feel alone to realize that He is the only One who can satisfy my heart's desires. No person, no material, no activity, etc... NOTHING can satisfy. I knew this very well... but now it's time to understand it on a deeper level.

I need to feel alone in order that I may be united with Him. That I might understand Him and His desires, feel His thirst for souls, dive into the depths of His River!


Praise the Lord for that!

Baptism

In the midst of my struggle during Lent, I am reminded of a special moment I had with Jesus a bit over a year ago. During JAM Vanessa read a guided meditation that I don't remember the details of but she began with a prayer for the Holy Spirit to guide and protect our imaginations. Then we were to picture Jesus being with us. After that I ignored the meditation and let Jesus lead me...

There were two rocks facing each other at the top of a small cliff. Jesus sat on one, I on the other. He kept His loving eyes looking into mine and was smiling at me. Then after a few moments Jesus got up and stood at the edge of the cliff. I followed Him.

We looked at the deep, wide river below us and next thing you know, Jesus jumped into it! I hesitated, but not long enough for Him to resurface, and then jumped after Him. The river was so refreshing and cool - it felt so great! When I surfaced the water, I didn't see Jesus, just the welling of water from where a dove emerged and flew off into the sky.

Lent

My lent has been non-existent. Instead of dying to the world with Christ to share in His resurrection, I've been dying to Life. This is definitely not the way I imagined the final steps of the journey into the Church. It has been a huge struggle. I know that lent is supposed to be a time of suffering and struggling. But my suffering isn't because I'm fasting from something. I wake up every day with more anger and hurt in my heart. I've turned my back to Him. It's like I'm walking backwards towards Him, if that makes sense. 

Each one of us is a...

Each one of us is a seed of a different flower, a different beauty

Spreading the same fragrance of God.

Will I blossom?

Oh, the pained soul

Trapped and bound in the seed she cannot be contained in.

She goes unnoticed.

Oh, how She longs to be

Planted in Mercy, grown with Grace.